Elf Rant
by Tinnuelenath
Summary: *Complete* Ch. 3 up! Legolas is angery, and for good reason!
1. Muses of an Elf Who Wants Some Respect

Title: Elf Rant  
  
Rating: PG-Minor language  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own them..If I didn't I wouldn't be writing this.  
  
Summary: Poor Leggy gets no respect, and its starting to bug him.  
  
A/N: Okay, before you track me down and kill me...let me explain. My friend and I were just joking one night about how Legolas gets no respect and he's bitter about it, and that's why he hardly talks in FOTR and talks to himself a lot in TT. This was done at about 3 in the morning and really badly written, but in our sad little minds, quite funny. And yes, I have read the books (many, many times), but this is all directly from the movies. Feel free to flame, since they will be used to cook 'tomatoes, sausages and nice crispy bacon!'  
  
Elf Rant  
  
"Then I shall die as one of them!"  
  
'Whoa, where did that come from? I guess I really pissed Aragorn off this time. He deserved it though! I'm so sick of not getting any credit, especially from him.' Memories flooded back to Legolas from the quest, and he felt the anger boil inside of him.  
  
*********************************  
  
"Havo dad, Legolas." Sit down, Legolas.  
  
Oh, well that's lovely. How nice of him to say something like that in Elven. This way he won't embarrass me in front of Boromir. To bad just about EVERYONE else here speaks Elvish! I was just trying to defend him, and what do I get? My head bitten off. Well fine, see if I speak much at ALL on this stupid quest. I'm quite a talker usually though. It may be hard. Dads says I get it from Moms side of the family, sorta like my eyes. My grandma on my Dads side has the most wonderful eyes, I could have gotten them from her. Dad insists there is to much green in her eyes and that mine have the deep blue tint that..I'm babbling already. This IS going to be hard.  
  
Men suck. ******************************  
  
"Legolas! What do your Elven eyes see?"  
  
By the Gods, can this man not take a hint? I didn't run ahead to get a better look at the backs of the creatures we've been chasing for days, I'm trying to get away from him! Gritting my heath I reply carefully, "The Uruks have turned East. They are taking the Hobbits to Isenguard!" I noticed the frustration had made my voice deep and harsh. Oh well, he'll just pass it off as my rugged manliness.  
  
Satisfied with this I flipped my hair over my shoulder and skipped down the hill.  
  
******************************************  
  
Aragorn was laying with his head on a rock. Apparently he thought we were impressed that he could take a nap on a rock, while pretending to listen to it, and then recite what I told him a few hours before. He'd only started his most recent nap when I first noticed the horses on the horizon.  
  
"Aragorn, there's-"  
  
"Shhhh!" he hissed as he waved me away. Fine let the Rohirians come.  
  
**** 3 hours later ****  
  
"Aragorn." Getting only a groan I tried again. "Aragorn."  
  
"Go away."  
  
"Aragorn."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Aragorn."  
  
"What do you want?!"  
  
"Horses."  
  
"We don't have any, get over it."  
  
"Horses coming at us, quickly."  
  
"Stampede, it happens."  
  
"Horses coming at us with men, quickly."  
  
"Aragorn woke up quickly then, and he hearded us behind a rock just as they passed over the ridge. He thinks he saved the day.  
  
Maybe that's what the rocks have told him.  
  
**************************  
  
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, and Legolas of the Woodland Realm."  
  
Legolas of the Woodland Realm? I'm Elvin royalty! Not Legolas, son of King Thandruil? Not Prince Legolas of Mirkwood? No. I'm introduced as some elf they found in a clump of trees. This man has some serious ego issues. Its just because I out rank this guy! I'm a Prince and he's just a guy with bad genes! No one in MY family was ever tempted by an evil Ring that eventually brings a Dark Lord into power. But no, 'man who would be Queen' here seems to have forgotten that.  
  
But what do I know? I'm just Legolas of the Woodland Realm. ****************************************  
  
By this point Aragorn had stormed away, off to have a good pout, I'm sure. I started to follow him, with every intention of telling him all of this. Unfortunately I was stopped by Gimli. I explained these memories to him and he nodded carefully.  
  
"Aye Lad, I know what you mean. I've felt more like a painfully obvious attempt at comic relief than a warrior as of late. You know, sorta like 'Arr! I'm funny because I'm short!'"  
  
Blinking at him a few times, I stood there confused as to how that had any relevance to my story. It didn't. Shaking my head I continued.  
  
"You see Gimli, its more then just not getting a 'thank you'. No one even bothers to listen to me! Everytime I warned Aragorn, someone died. At Balins tomb, I told Aragorn we shouldn't linger. He ignored me, we lingered, Gandalf fell. On the river bank, I warned him that we shouldn't stay there, that we needed to cross the river. He ignored me, we didn't cross, Boromir died."  
  
Gimli tried to stop me then, but I was to caught up in the moment.  
  
"Also, I kill everything! Who was the only one not to be completely taken out by the cave troll, and eventually the one who killed it? Me! Who killed the orks that were shooting as us while Aragorn was busy playing hero on the stairs? Me! (And I never should have caught him when he fell!) Who was it who stayed the longest to fight the Watcher in the Water while everyone else got safely inside? Me! Who was it who killed Warg riders at a remarkable distance while Aragorn had a touching moment with Eowyn? Me! Are you seeing the pattern yet?"  
  
When no answer came, my attention refocused on the room. I had drawn both my daggers and was gripping them with white knuckles. The dwarf was no where in the site. With an exasperated sigh I re-sheathed the blades.  
  
*********************************  
  
***Later that Night***  
  
Venting with Gimli had helped. I had even found the will to apologize to that stupid man. At the moment I was fighting off 3 orks. My hands were slick with blood as I re-adjusted the grip on my short blade and ducked a near fatal blow.  
  
"Legolas! Bring him down!"  
  
Ah! What?! I'm a little busy! Taking more of a risk then I like to take, I killed the last two orks, and pilled out my bow and an arrow. My anger for the man was back now. He needed his sure-shot archer to save his butt again, and he couldn't use a better tone? Hm. If that ork succeeds, who do you think will have to go down and save the day? A future king to perhaps?  
  
"Kill him!"  
  
Oops. Looks like I only hit his collar bone with that first shot. Things are looking good. Aw. Damn. Another shot to the collar bone. To bad I can shoot an ork in the head in a dark cave, and kill Wargs with a single arrow from hundreds of yards away, but I can't get a fatal arrow into an ork from on top of a building. At least we have a king who will always save us.  
  
I couldn't help the smile creeping to my lips as 'our saviors' ran to the newly formed rift in the wall. 'Oh please save us, our king!' I called out in my head, dripping sarcasm. Audibly I gave out a sigh. Legolas of the Woodland Realm went back to efficiently slaughtering the attacking orks.  
  
  
  
A/N: I'm so sorry! *hides her head and protects her muses* 


	2. Muses of a Guy Who Wants to be King

A/N: Alright. There was demand for some explanation for Aragorn's actions. Unfortunately for Aragorn fans.it you were looking for justification beyond Aragorn being a real ass..your not going to get it. Now, I don't have that much against Aragorn..I just hate Viggo with such passion that it overlaps into his character.This is your warning.Also..this is a little weird. I couldn't sleep on my birthday so I scribbled this down at, just like its prequel, at about 3 in the morning..  
  
Muses of a Guy Who Wants to be King  
  
"Then I shall die as one of them!"  
  
Seriously, you stupid elf! I'm so sick of dealing with you! I mean yea, we were friends before this quest, but I've never had to be around you for months at a time. Even from the first day out you were already getting on my nerves!  
"Havo dad, Legolas." Sit down, Legolas.  
  
Yes! That was excellent! Two birds with one stone. Not only did I show my authority over Boromir by using a language he doesn't even know (which obviously means I'm smarter), but I also told off that loud mouthed elf. No one was supposed to KNOW I should be king. I mean how impressive is that? The heir to the throne takes the throne. Not very dramatic. But a ranger, raised by the elves, forsakes his people, defeats a Dark Lord and then takes the throne..now THAT was dramatic. THAT'S what I want. THAT'S what gets the ladies. Sure, there's always that Arwen girl, but I mean that whole 'almost sister' thing is really starting to get to me. Also, I may pass through Rohan on this quest thing. I may want to try one of those shield maidens I hear about. I hear they are really good at *ahem*, sword handling. What? Oh..quest.right. I bet I can convince those little men in shorts that I'm a hero. I'm going to have to try hard to be a hero now thanks to THAT elf.  
  
Elves, I hate elves.  
Woah! The elf was getting far ahead! Doesn't he know that I'm the leader? I'm supposed to be in front. Was he challenging me? What should I do? Fighting him would work. I saw him in Moria. I don't like to lose. I could push him off a cliff. That could work. Though he IS the only one who can see what we are chasing. Speaking of that..  
  
"Legolas! What do your Elven eyes see?"  
  
Wait..was that a rough tone in his voice? Was he starting to challenge my 'rugged yet still sexy' role? Oh. Okay. He's skipping. I'm still alright, for now.  
  
Trying to gasp for breath with out drawing attention to yourself is quite hard. This whole running non-stop for three days thing is getting really old. I'm so tired. Must be close to nap time again. What was it a few minutes, ago? They were out of his site, the mountains are shielding his view east. Great. What am I supposed to do with that? I guess I'll just have to make something up. Yea.that will work.  
  
What was that look the elf gave me when I said we need to stop so I can listen? Mockery? Has he guessed I've just been napping? Can he see my weakness? Does he think I shouldn't be king? Woah. Deep breaths. Relax. No one would think that. Just take the nap while you can.  
  
I was almost asleep when I heard, "Aragorn, there's-". I waved the elf away. I was pretending to concentrate here! He probably just wanted to complain about a knot in his hair or something. Prissy elf.  
  
**3 Hours Later**  
  
"Aragorn," Ugh, what does he want. I was in the middle of a really good dream.  
  
"Aragorn," Ahh! He's being persistent.  
  
"Go away!" Seriously.  
  
"Aragorn."  
  
"No!" I'm NOT getting up.  
  
"Aragorn."  
  
"What do you want?!"  
  
"Horses."  
  
"We don't have any, get over it." You stupid elf, do you think I'm hiding them on you or something?  
  
"Horses coming at us, quickly."  
  
"Stampede, it happens." Has this elf EVER been out outside of the woods?  
  
"Horses coming at us with men, quickly." Oh! Well that IS something to get up for! I sense an act of heroism coming! I must do the obvious and move them behind the rock before they do it themselves and before they get over the horizon. It's going to be a close call! No elf! You can't figure it out for yourself. Oh well, I can at least herd Gimli.  
  
Most excellent. They think I'm great. I just know it. I'll be such a good king.  
  
Think quick! How do I introduce him? As Prince? No, no I cant do that until I can introduce myself as King. But I wont have to introduce myself when I'm king. Everyone will just know. I can't wait. Uh oh. You took to long, Aragorn, Gimli is starting a fight. I don't want to have to fight them. There is a lot of them. They have horses. They have big spears. Also those helmet/masks are really starting to creep me out! Ahh! What the hell is the elf doing?! Don't make it worse! Umm..... Ok.. change the subject quick..  
  
"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin, and Legolas of the woodland realm." Well done, that was quite well done. I really am going to be SUCH a good king!  
I couldn't deal with the elf any more. So I left. But he was back soon enough. Actually I think he was watching me change, but I wont think about that now. He apologized. I could really get used to this whole 'people groveling on their knees at your feet' thing. Okay, so maybe he wasn't really groveling. Or on his knees.  
  
Well..he should have been.  
  
Ahhh! What is THAT?! No! Bad ork! Any random torches in the middle of the battle are a bad thing! Usually something bad is coming.  
  
"Legolas! Bring him down!" Good old Legolas, he'll take care of him. I won't have to go down there. Good, good.  
  
Shit.  
  
He missed.  
  
How could be miss! Maybe he was trying to be merciful and only cripple him. That must be it.  
  
"Kill him!" There, now that ork is in for it. I'm still not going down there.  
  
What the hell!  
  
He hit the exact same spot on the other side!  
  
**5 min. later**  
  
Explosions are bad. I'm stuck down here with all these orks and a bunch of elves. And now I know how reliable those elves are. Great. I guess I have to go fight. I'm going to die. I'm never going to see my throne. Okay.. I need to stall until those stupid elves catch up. Karate! I'll intimidate the orcs with karate!.......Well that didn't work. But it WAS wonderfully dramatic. If I die, someone will say I went down valently. Very good planning on my part. Okay..they caught up.I guess I actually have to go now.  
  
This is all that stupid elf's fault.  
  
-End  
  
A/N: Okay, just wanted to say a big 'Sorry' to any Aragorn fans...please don't kill me..  
  
New A/N as of 2-28-03: Okay, everyone has to go read Misty's review, and tell me if you think I should add that scene as a ch. 3 'missing scence' sorta thing. I have a pretty good idea for it, but if no one cares I wont do it. 


	3. The Missing SceneQuestioning Sexualities

A/N: Okay, so I got a demand to add this chapter as a 'missing scene'. I want to especially thank Misty, who gave me the idea for this chapter.  
  
Faith: I'm going on your favs list? Whoohoo! I've never been on anyone's favs list!  
  
Shauna: I dunno.things that usually get done at 3 AM are pretty sketchy..  
  
Lomelinde: Yes! Aragorn is a jerk..and a dork!  
  
Joanna: Aww.your poor puppy.I'll try to cut the humor down so it can get some sleep.  
  
Goth Gypsy: Genius? I don't think that word has ever been used with me before...nice!  
  
Musicaldreams09: yay! I'm on 2 peoples favs list.im setting a pretty high standard for all those other writers out there huh?.. hehe.I wish..  
  
Karri: NO! DOWN WITH VIGGO!! Hehe.just kidding.I really shouldn't tease my reviewers huh?...  
  
POV: Legolas  
  
Hehe. This is going to be so good. I couldn't have planned this better if I had tried. Here comes 'my king' and there's his little mistress. I bet she'll want to share a loving embrace with him to tell him how she really feels. To bad that's not going to work out.  
  
"Your late," but its ok, your only human. Hehe..it sucks to be a human.  
  
"You look terrible." It is good to know though, that the amount of grease in your hair is great enough that even falling into a river couldn't wash it away. Very good to know. Ick. Anyways..here comes your girlfriend..good.just keep watching.. Here it comes...yes! perfect. She saw me discretely pass him the necklace. She saw him close his hand around mine..wait, why DID he do that..Okay, I just wont think about that.. It was worth it, now she will think her boyfriend is gay. Haha, yup, it definitely worked, shes not even coming over. Woah...woah. What's he doing? Why is it touching me?! Oh gee! Im so lucky! I get one of Aragorns special little shoulder squeezes! Ugh.  
  
But at least she thinks he's gay!  
POV: Aragorn  
  
Oh goodie. First person I have to deal with is the elf. Just grand.  
  
"Your late." Yes.yes I am. Thank you. I wasn't completely sure that falling in the river and being molested by a horse had slowed me down, but now I'm all set due to elf wisdom.  
  
"You look terrible." Okay.I'm about 99% sure the elf just checked me out. I KNEW he swung that way! Pippin owes me 3 ales...  
  
Well if I'm going to get checked out by a guy, I suppose I'm glad it's him. I mean he can be sorta cute at times.like when he flips his hair over his shoulder when he's mad..and the way the straps on his quiver show off his pecs.and the way- whats he doing?  
  
A necklace.oh right.THE necklace. The one my girlfriend gave me. Because I have a girlfriend. Because I'm strait. Right. Strait. How do I thank him? A manly hug? CAN hugs be manly? I suppose a kiss on the cheek is out. Because I'm strait. Oh well.I guess he can just have a special shoulder squeeze. Aww.hes so cute when he smirks.  
  
No.no he's not. Actually, you don't know, because you don't look at him like that. Because your strait. Right. Your strait.  
  
Damn elves.  
Final A/N: Okay, I had a lot of fun writing Elf Rant and I want to write another one, anyone have any ideas for a sequel/companion? Any other unappreciated characters? Anyone get really miffed by anything in particular? Any ideas are welcome because a pretty good bout of writers block has set in.. 


End file.
